


Mistake

by fairykaine



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Abandonment, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I keep making niles suffer im sorry, I smell, In which niles begins to self harm bc he hates himself, M/M, Niles seld harms bc he thinks hes a mistake bc his parents left him, Oops, Self Harm, emotional issues, self hatred, sensitive topics, the angst, viewer discretion advised
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 23:02:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10055852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairykaine/pseuds/fairykaine
Summary: If no one will punish me, the archer thought, I’ll punish myself. I’ll punish myself for being a mistake.(CONTAINS SENSITIVE CONTENT.)





	

He hated himself. 

Of course, he had done something wrong. Again. He was used to messing up here and there, but this time, he had really screwed up. He had slipped and spilled tea on Leo’s book, and the latter sent him away, angry.

“Gods, Niles. Why do you have to be a screwup so much sometimes?” the prince sneered as Niles walked out of the room, his head lowered.

Walking through the palace halls, Niles started to wonder if he were better off dead… If he had just let Leo kill him back then, as a child. Maybe then he wouldn’t be such a damn screwup! 

He slammed the door to his and Corrin’s shared room, and sunk down to the floor, hands in his hair. 

"Dammit, dammit, I’m just a gods-damn screwup…” he muttered to himself over and over. 

Usually, Corrin was there to help Niles through his extreme self hatred periods, but this time, the Prince was in a meeting. And he wouldn’t be back until sundown.

Niles decided, it's now or never. 

He took the dagger they used for self defense, which was sitting in a hidden spot, and made a deep cut up along his left arm. 

Niles.. Relaxed at the sight of the blood. Seeing it pool together… It put his mind at ease. Punishing himself for his mistake and existence made him feel… like he was doing himself a favor. Like the world was right when he hurt himself.

If no one will punish me, the archer thought, I’ll punish myself. I’ll punish myself for being a mistake.

-  
Over the next four and a half months, Niles made more and more injuries on his own body. Some were deep, some shallow, depending on what mistake he made that day or how much he hated himself. 

Due to Corrin being busy with meetings and regular prince duties, Niles sank deeper into his self hatred and depression. All he could do was get up, half heartedly serve Leo, go home and injure himself, patch them up, and sleep.

He slept a lot those days. 

He also went without eating, which resulted in him losing a considerable amount of weight. He sat there in his and Corrin’s room most of the time, head bowed, thinking about how much he couldn’t stand himself, how the castle people couldn’t stand him, how his own husband probably couldn’t stand him… that he only married Niles out of pity. The stares the people gave him, the stares the castle staff gave him… They all thought he was worthless. A mistake.

And it tore him apart.

-

“Go away, Niles. I’m trying to study.” 

Prince Leo had only meant it as a gentle way to get Niles to leave him alone, but it came out harsher than expected. Before he could apologize, Niles was out of the room. 

Niles closed his eye and breathed in through his nose, out through his mouth.

You’re nothing to him. 

He headed back to his and Corrin’s quarters.

Deeper. Make it deeper. It’s the only way you will redeem yourself.

The archer sat in front of their dresser, breathing hard and heavy.

If they won’t punish you, punish yourself.

The room started to spin.

Why do you think they left? Because you’re a waste of space. A mistake. They despised you the minute you were born.

Niles couldn’t handle it anymore.

He grabbed the dagger from its usual spot, took his top attire off, and made a quick slash on his stomach.

Good. 

He carved into his own skin, feeling relief and pain at the same time. But it redeemed him. 

You’re a mistake. This is the only way to fix it. 

He made a light slash on his upper arm.

This is the only way you can live. Punish yourself every day you continue to live.

Niles made another cut along his stomach, this one deeper. 

This is the only way.

And then, all of a sudden, the door opened.

“Niles, I was thinking we could have dinner together, since we haven’t seen each other-” Corrin stopped, the dinner tray in hand, when he saw Niles, bloodied and half naked.

Shit. Shit shit shit.

Corrin let go of the tray and it crashed to the floor, food and vegetables scattering along the floor.

“Niles, NILES! What in the hell?!” Corrin rushed over to his husband and dropped to his knees. “Did you.. Inflict these on yourself?!” 

“It’s fine, Corrin. Don’t worry.” he started to put his undershirt on, but Corrin stopped him.

“Niles. It is not fine. You inflicted these on yourself! What would possess you to do this….” Corrin started to tremble.

“It’s okay, Cor.”

“Will you..” Corrin stood up. “Will you stop pretending everything is okay for once and just TALK TO ME?!” Corrin slammed his fist against the wall, which reverbed with a loud pomph. 

Niles looked down, but when he heard sniffling, he looked up. Corrin sank to the ground, his face in his hands, sobbing. 

“Niles..” he looked up, face and eyes wet with tears.”You can shut me out about a lot of things, but you can’t shut me out about this. Not about this. At all.”

“It doesn’t matter.” the archer said quietly. 

“It does matter! If you keep doing this, you’ll hit an artery or cut too deep and.. And…” Corrin began to sob again. “Y-you’ll die. And I.. I can’t watch the man I love die…” he put his face in his hands again, crying. 

Niles looked down at the blood stained dagger and his blood stained hands. 

“Please.. Niles..” Corrin held a shaky hand out. “Please give me the dagger.”

Niles began to laugh, a hollow, emotionless laugh, which scared Corrin to his core.

“Nothing matters, Corrin. I don’t matter. I’m a mistake. A useless mistake. An accident.”

“Niles.. Don’t I matter? You’re not a mistake. You’re not an accident. You’re not-”

“If I’m not a mistake, then why the hell did my parents, who are supposed to love me and care about me, leave me in the streets to die?!” Niles yelled.

Corrin was taken aback. His parents? That’s why he’s doing this?

“If I am supposedly not a mistake, then why did the people who created me and brought me into this world, why did they leave? Can you tell me?! Can you?!” he shouted that last part.

“They clearly thought I wasn’t worth their time. I wasn’t worth their energy or love. That is why they left me. Because I am a useless mistake. I don’t deserve to live in this world if my own parents didn’t think I was good enough to stick around.” he hung his head. “Just let me die and go to Hell like I’m supposed to.”

“No, Niles. I am not letting you die.”

The archer looked at Corrin. “I told you-”

“I don’t know why your parents left. And I don’t know if we’ll ever find out. But I know of this. I told you, on the day you proposed to me, that the past was out of our control. We can’t change it, Niles. But you did tell me this.” Corrin took ahold of Niles’s bloody hands. “You told me you wanted to build a future and forget about the past with me. You wanted to live a happy life with me. And I know we can do it.” 

“Corrin..” Niles sighed.

“This is just a minor setback. We can overcome this together. I don’t know why they left. But we can’t change it. All we can do… Is try and move forward, and carve a happy future for ourselves.”

“Why do you even love a mistake like me…”  
Niles murmured.

“If anyone calls you a mistake, they’re idiots.” Corrin said firmly. “And if you’re a mistake, then I’m a traitor.”

Niles laughed. Strange as it was, he laughed.

“Niles, please..” Corrin held out his hand. “Please give me the dagger. Please. We can move forward together.” 

Niles looked at Corrin’s hand, his soft smile. He would likely never know why his parents left, but…

It was time to move forward. It was time to build a new future. One with Corrin, and one without his parents.

Niles nodded and put the dagger in Corrin’s hand.

Corrin embraced his husband. When he pulled away, he said,

“Let’s build a new future together.”

**Author's Note:**

> I deeply apologize for making niles go through hell. Youre free to riot in the comments lol


End file.
